Our Human Clothing

Recognition of Natural “Human Pursuits”

I can often find myself chasing the fulfillment of my own ego, stability, or social status of some sort. Of course, I know that these are things that can never be fulfilled in their entirety. These are all the “works which have been done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity, a futile grasping and chasing after the wind.” These are all “human” pursuits — they are worldly and vain. Yet, while perhaps an “ideal” is to overcome these pursuits, I have come to feel that these pursuits are necessary human elements in some capacities. Like food, they are essential needs that feed our humanness.

Ego is feeling good about yourself. Stability is about feeling secure in your environment and situation. Social status is wanting others to feel good about you. These are not necessarily bad things and they are entirely human to pursue, but they are all like ladders. You reach one rung, and then you try to step up onto the next rung. But ladders in a vacuum are essentially useless tools. There is nowhere to climb — there is nowhere to go.

Ego, stability, and social status are not endpoints as they do not have a defined beginning or end. When you chase these things, you are like a hamster in its wheel. You run and run and run, but it is a cycle that ultimately goes nowhere. It is but a cycle, where the finish runs into the start and the start has no finish. You tire yourself out on this pursuit, spinning endlessly and meaninglessly.

Awareness of Human Desires

But it is important to recognize that it is natural to desire a good ego, stability, or high social status. These are entirely human elements — they are natural desires that we all encounter. Like I said, they can be equated to food — a necessity that becomes a vice in excess.

At many moments in my life — perhaps heavily influenced by my foray into philosophical ideas — I thought I was supposed to leave all of these human feelings behind. I thought that I was supposed to rise above them. But I am human. And I think the better approach is awareness rather than avoidance of these tendencies.

Having an ego — and being confident in yourself — is an essential prerequisite to achieve something. But you want that ladder to be proportional to your actual skills and abilities as a person. If it is too big, then it is unstable. If it is too small, then you will never reach your full potential. There are times when you will have to climb on your own without any ladders — this pushes you out of your comfort zone and builds your skills and abilities. This should also build your ego in a proportional sense. Great! You now have a good understanding of your limits as a person, and know how far you can reach for.

But if you never push yourself to your limits, you will never grow, and you will not have that understanding of where your limitations are. And when you are on a journey of high stakes, you want that self-awareness to know how you can rely upon yourself, and where you have to rely upon others.

Stability is also an essential prerequisite — one that I was blessed with by growing up with two parents and in a country/state/city with a dependable economy and physical safety. This stability allowed me to focus on excelling in the classroom, or reading on my own, or being involved in sports.

Obviously, too much stability has its downsides. No matter how much stability and security you try to provide, the reality is that life is a chaotic and unpredictable mess. The internal insecurities and flaws that everyone faces are not fixed by a predictable and comfortable external environment. In fact, they can even further some internal insecurities. Oftentimes, it is easier to buy a band-aid fix for those things (like a new car, watch, home, entrance into college) than to address them head on.

Social status is synonymous with social capital. My tendency is to fall into a contagion of disrespect for social capital. I tend to tell myself that “it doesn’t matter what people think” and have gotten in disagreements with my friends who I have felt are too impressionable by their social environment. One of these friends used to always say “it matters what everyone thinks.” I used to roll my eyes. But, in reality, it does matter what many people think. If people think low of you, you will not have the trust or support in place to do something good or cool.

But if you want everyone to think good about you — that is where the trap is. Ultimately, your ladder of social status will only be as secure as the people that make it up. If you care a lot about what a lot of “trendy” or “superficial” people think, then your ladder may be big — but it will be weak. I would much rather have a titanium step-stool than a 30 foot ladder that collapses when a gust of wind blows in its direction. If I have this reliable step stool, then I will always know what 2-foot destinations I can reach. On the other hand, using an unstable 30 foot tall will ultimately hurt a ton if it breaks — and you are much less likely to reach that destination. You must be conscious of who and where your social capital lies.

Additionally, the way that you attain that capital will reflect the type of stability that you receive. If you establish a throne through fear, you will tend to live within that fear. The same is true of dishonesty, as “a fortune made by a lying tongue is a fleeting vapor and a deadly snare.”

Human Achievement Can Clothe Our Nakedness

We are quite vulnerable creatures. I think that filling our ego, stability, or social status allows us to feel like we are protected from this vulnerability. “I am a smart and capable person, I can overcome anything” or “I have a secure job and lifestyle, bad things won’t happen to me” or “People respect me, I am a Somebody, I am not a Nobody.”

And clothes serve an important purpose, because they help keep us warm in a world that can be a cold and scary place. It’s a cold fact that we have no idea how we arrived at this thing called life, that we did nothing to earn our first breath, and that we do not know when we will have our last. It’s scary to realize that we do not know most things, what tomorrow will bring forth, or what other people do in their actions.

The Analogy of a Watch

A watch is one piece of clothing. There are a lot of reasons to wear a nice watch, but I used to poke fun at some of my friends with nice watches, saying something like “wow, I feel like a true MAN” when I would try on an expensive watch. The joke was inspired by evolutionary mating signals (learned from my evolutionary game theory professor) where a seemingly meaningless external signal (like a peacock showing its feathers or a male human wearing a nice watch) carries some sort of weighty implications towards one’s evolutionary viability. Whereas big muscles may indicate strength, protection and dominance, a nice watch can showcase strength, protection, and dominance in today’s financially driven society.

But there are other reasons to wear a nice watch besides pure peacocking or posturing — as someone who likes wearing nice watches may point out. There are the pure “peacockers” — the ones that may also pour expensive champagne on their expensive watches to showcase wealth. But there are also components of belonging, remembrance, or craftsmanship that are recognized.

I got into a discussion with one of my best friends about a watch that he wears — one that is crafted in his home state. Only people from his home state would recognize this type of watch. It is almost a community indicator to him, one that he can carry with him on his wrist. It is a sense of home and belonging. I believe heirloom watches also carry similar sentiments — reminding someone of the love or respect for a particular family member, carrying a part of them on their wrist.

There is also a community of people who appreciate great craftsmanship with a watch, understanding the engineering and precision that went into this. There is almost a mutual respect about recognizing this detail and craftsmanship. When one is able to recognize and discuss this “art” it may be similar to the sense of belonging that my friend experiences with his “home state” watch. But instead of feeling like one belongs to a geographic community, it is a community of detail-oriented personas — people that respect precision and a dedication to fine-tuned acumen (something that may have parallels in building a successful business).

But either way, a watch is a piece of clothing. Without one, a routine watch-wearer may feel like their wrist is naked. And I think that it is perfectly ok and human to wear a watch. I also like nice watches in my own human capacity! But at the same time, it must be recognized that wearing a watch comes from a place of vulnerability, a place that is clothing yourself from human nakedness. Whether that clothing is made of evolutionary status, community belonging, or loving respect depends on the wearer.

I only occasionally wear watches on my wrist — but I cover up myself in watches in many other ways. My watches are commonly associated with achievement — with getting good grades at a name university, getting a big job offer, doing research with a cool organization. It is commonly associated with “being smart.” And like wearing a watch, the desire to be perceived as “smart” and “successful” is a natural human tendency.

Some may argue that some of these signals are “earned” and some are “unearned” or “empty.” This is completely valid. Some achievements may be the result of high performance and hard work — others may not. A nice watch may be the result of high performance or hard work — other times it’s an empty signal.

But when we fixate on gaining this external object — whether that be getting a nice watch or some sort of achievement — we ultimately are seeking to put clothes on our naked body. It is only a covering for the deep vulnerability and insecurities underneath — it does not matter how much hard work goes into it.

And it’s not bad to seek out clothes — but the nakedness will always exist underneath no matter how many layers we cover ourselves up with.

Being Stripped and Exposed

My favorite book is “When Breath Becomes Air” by Paul Kalanithi. I think I found a lot of parallels between the way he thought/approached life and the way I did. Similar to my intersection of philosophy and computer engineering, Paul loved the intersection between literature and medicine. He was also someone that was set on achieving great things, focusing on becoming a research neurosurgeon at Stanford. And right when he was on the precipice of achieving this goal, he gets diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and has to confront the reality of his imminent mortality in the face of achievement.

Like myself, I think Paul attempted to cover up much of his human nakedness with pursuits of achievement. There are the internally motivated “great” and “creative” intentions for a pursuit (like helping others), but human tendency is to establish yourself as externally “great” to find your footing. I don’t think anyone is completely impermeable to this.

And when Paul learns that he is gonna die soon, his external apparatus is destroyed — and he is completely stripped naked. This is not his choice, he was “unfortunate” — he was “unlucky.” But as Paul points out, the problem was not that he learned he was gonna die. That was a foregone conclusion.

It’s that he learned the proximity for his death was really close, and he did not know exactly how close this proximity was. It forced him to reframe his mind — he no longer had the luxury to worry about long-term goals. He wasn’t “lucky” enough to stress about achieving great things, he wasn’t “fortunate” enough to clothe himself in the things that make life comfortable and reassuring.

He didn’t have anything that he could cover himself up with. He was utterly exposed. And because of that, he was forced to encounter what he loves — what brings him that internal joy. He thinks, if he has a few years, maybe he would practice medicine. If he only had a few months, he would write. And he does not know. So, he continued to practice medicine for a little. But after a little, he decides to write. And he writes “When Breath Becomes Air” as his final curtain call.

But Can We Live Naked?

One thing that Paul was lucky with was that he had the opportunity for internal meaning and joy in his final actions. He was lucky enough to have built up a bank of his own ego (giving him purpose and capacity to write), stability (in finances or insurance), and social status (in familial care) where he could sit and look at life in his final moments.

Clothing provides a purpose. Ego, stability, and social status are needed for us to operate effectively in our lives. But in the face of death, their value quickly diminishes.

I believe a watch is but a symbol for ego, stability, social status, and the conglomeration of these human desires that our lives entail. These things are clothing and are essential in their respective capacities to allow us to live an effective and opportunistic life. And their function fades in the face of death.

At the end of the day, a watch’s function is to tell time. And when we run out of time, the watch ceases to have a function. We leave it behind.

I think the balance is not conflating the function of these “human needs” with our own purpose. We need the clothing of ego, stability and social status to do things in this life. Like the earlier analogy, they are like our ladders to do something. They are the ladders toward some sort of purpose or meaningful destination that we set. But these ladders are but a tool. They are function-less without a purpose, problem, or use case.

We need clothes to operate effectively in our society. People expect you to wear them, they provide all of us a shared sense of security in a sense. In most contexts, people don’t like looking at each others’ nakedness. It’s vulnerable and scary. But we should be wary of when we venture into posturing — instead of aligning ourselves with true purpose.

But at what point do we cross over into this? When do we mix up fleeting achievements with true purpose? This is also a difficult question to answer — one that I am figuring out myself. I think a useful check for this is to recognize the impending reality of death — asking yourself what brings true joy in the face of this. Yet, it’s hard to simultaneously live “everyday like your last” while still planning for the future.

It’s a hard dilemma to balance.